Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?