“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
is it earth
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up