Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop