Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
You know…for fall…
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Why is everyone getting married at me
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!