Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome