Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You Might Also Like
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*