when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]