been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”