How do you like your Corgi?
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
every. time.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised