Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Happy weekend !
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
How to make infinite energy.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Aight bet
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right