take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.