i prefer mine room temperature.
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Breaking news:
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
hi why am I like this
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion