This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
just leave it at the foot of the bed
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
why isn’t he texting back
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you