Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Got ya covered
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”