I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
finally
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]