my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
You Might Also Like
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I was up all night reading about insomnia
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You had me at “define legal”.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”