What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
When you’re here for the treats.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.