As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
You Might Also Like
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
He wanted to make sure😂
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?