Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no