Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Same pineapple, same
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
rise and shine we got egg
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Somebody’s lying.