Lmao 🤣
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
#dalle2
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Good morning.
Worth the read.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…