Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
moms in horror movies
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.