Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You Might Also Like
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*