me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Facebook memories be like
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR