Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 馃檨
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The only time I miss masking is after I鈥檝e eaten an Oreo
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Dance like no one鈥檚 going to press charges.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you鈥檙e like glad i missed out on that shit
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I鈥檓 just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn鈥檛 an omelette with ham.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you鈥檙e blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*waves to the bagged salad i鈥檒l throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family鈥檚 accounts
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I鈥檓 getting it framed