[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?