I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.