There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
This took me a second..
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
How animals would run if they were human
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.