Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*