Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You Might Also Like
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Florida be like…
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day