I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I occasionally drink every single night.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
He wanted to make sure😂
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Simple enough.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.