Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection