ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I only eat vegetarians.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.