7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
#oldknees
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Best spot.. 😅
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.