There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
According to math, I’m broke
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.