My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!