Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: