You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.