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I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Trains are just sideway elevators.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*