I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.