Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Um … Hot Wings please
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee