ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them