aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
mumsnet is amazing
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.