I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
cyclists
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow