We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
<- sleeps well with others
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
hi why am I like this
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk