Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there