What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My neck, my back, my…
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Oh yeah that’s it
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.