I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
😅🤣😂
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
called in thicc to work this morning
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times