‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.