Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.